Blogging vs. chocolate

A friend said i should try this to get to sleep so in order to help myself sleep...here i sit, not sleeping, but typing. Hopefully, I will be able to type away all my fears, worries, etc. Here it goes.

I have tried every other means of stress relief, running until i can't bend my knees, mass quantities of chocolate, crying, punching pillows, today I even grabbed my passport in an enraged and highly elevated mood determined to get a hold of a bazooka somehow and travel to Afghanistan on a rescue mission to rescue marines. B/c I'm sure that would've worked out well.

Luckily, class called me back to sanity and instead of driving towards an airport, I drove towards school. The ultimate taker upper of my life.

It's been nearly 2 months since my husband left, and with each passing day I become more and more numb. Is it possible to stop caring about everything else except what is most important in my life? Jacob. Everyday I wake up, kiss the piece of cardboard that apparently constitutes as a postcard over there in Afghanamanistan, as he calls it, and say "goodmorning love. Be safe. Miss you". A single tear falls from my eye w/o fail everyday and it's come to the point I dont realize I cry anymore. I feel bad b/c if Jacob saw me like this, he'd tell me not to cry. And I tell myself not to daily. What good does it do besides cause a reddened face, raccoon eyes, and dehydration? None of these sound at all pleasant, so why do it? However i simply cant stop. It comes as easily as breathing these days. Also...the extreme urge to beat the crap out of couples that indulge in PDA has become embedded in my daily roller coaster of emotions.

How can I become so emotionally haywire? I am the spitfire! The social butterfly as many of my friends call me, I was pleasant and perky! Not a people hating, social recluse that's only social life is school and on Facebook. However, I have to say that w/o Facebook I never would have met the girls with whom I have bonded so strongly, a few I dare to call soul mates, my fellow Marine wives. We keep each other sane when the last straw if finally placed on our backs.

And I must say, it's true that God picked out the strongest women and put them w/ marines. I havent met one yet that I dont look at and say "Wow you're strong." Idk how we put up w/ what we do.

For instance, right now I'm juggling, graduating RN school, passing the licensure exam, moving to NC...14 hours away from my home where I know no one, getting a job, making a living and preparing a life for Jake and I when he comes home. Not to mention, learning to deal with the inevitable PTSD that he will suffer from. As a nurse, almost, I've studied how to help clients that I'm not emotionally attached to learn to deal with this horrible disorder, but how do I deal w/ watching my husbands trigger finger twitch in his sleep? or watch his eyes glass over when he hears an alarm go off and remember the sound of a bomb, what will 4th of July be like? What will loud Harley's rumbling remind him of? And how am I going to keep the tears that ebb a constant flow from my eyes away and keep him from seeing how terrified I am for him?

Chocolate doesnt alleviate this constant worry, nor does blogging, singing in the shower is a comfort, and Prayer has become my number one means of communication. And that helps. I know deep down that God is watching over my husband and has a future planned for us. I just have to juggle these stressors a few more months alone and soon, and hopefully very soon, i will have Jacob by my side and we'll tackle the world together.

Goodnight all! Last day of clinicals in the AM!!! WOOT! one step closer to one less hurdle to jump over :)

God bless you all!

Sydnie