It all started a month ago there about it when my life started changing I suppose. After graduation, I realized I still wasn't in the clear and had to pass my nursing license exam. The entire time I was preparing I kept thinking one thing, "don't let Jake down". I didn't. June 30th, I joined the few, the proud, the RNs! Not quite as rough and tumble as the USMC, but a very close 2nd, lol.
And then it sank in, I have to move. To Jville, alone. And here I am, 3 weeks later, in the same funk I've been in since realizing I'm doing this, as I've done so many other things. Alone.
Don't get me wrong, I signed up for this, I knew it was coming, but having so many things happen while Jake's away has really gotten to me. In the short course of 4 months I've had my 21st birthday, graduated from Nursing school, gone through the pinning ceremony and walking to get my College degree, passed the Nursing exit exam, studied til my brain was going to explode, passed the NCLEX-RN exam, bought furniture, leased an apartment for Jake and I, and now, in one very short week, will be trekking the 14 hour haul to Jake and my new home. And I realize how much my life has changed. I am no longer a care free college student with the world at my fingertips. I have succeeded in stepping into the real world. I've grown up, and Jake wasn't here to see it, and to help me through my metamorphosis of sorts. From his letter's I realize he's grown up a lot too since he left 4 long months ago. His letter's have changed from what all he's gonna buy when he gets back to focusing on jobs, our future, a life for us. And I couldn't be more proud and amazed that we have both accepted our new shoes. He apologizes for leaving me, and for not being there for my melt downs, my bitchiness, my literal jumps of joy and girlish squeals, my tears of pride as I walked across the stage to get my RN pin as they read the dedication to him and God, and most importantly, he's not here to get me through the nights that seem so endless.
Going on 3 weeks of sleeping 2 hours a night. I guess the anticipation of the move, the countdown numbers getting smaller by the day, and fear, and the limbo land of deployment have finally gotten me. Instead of sleep, I clean, pack, repack, organize, write to Jake, and re read the letter's he sent as he could, laugh and cry a lot.
Last night in my packing adventures I stumbled across a pair of Jake's favorite pair of jeans and debated on whether to wash them or not. I put them to my nose to see if they smelled and were in need of washing before being packed and I was overwhelmed by him. Right at the front pocket line smelled just like him b/c he always had his hands in his pockets and I lost it. All the memories of us together flooded my mind, all I could see was him, almost like when someone has an NDE and their life flashes before them, I suppose I could call it a NJE, near Jake experience, b/c in one split second every touch, every look, every laugh and tear came right back like I was in the moment. I could hear our conversations, I remembered our last day together when he dropped me off at the airport and we held each other and cried for 2 hours in his truck saying our "goodbyes" and "i love you's". I remembered it all, and a mixture of ultimate happiness and complete heartbreak took over what was numb.
It was like remembering those moments brought me back to how happy I was then, and how lonely I am now, and it hurt. It still does.
I'm scared for the move and of sleeping alone in an empty bed that's made for two. I'm excited to get there and to finally see all the wives whom I've grown to love and cling to so much and to start a new life. A new chapter, a somewhat more adult one filled with 12 hour shifts, sunbathing and exercising. And, in a few short months, my lonely adult chapter will end and a new, more exciting one will begin. "Jake and I conquer the world". I think I'll turn that one into a book within itself filled with its own chapters of ups and downs. And then, I'll add another book to "Sydnie's series of life" and I shall call it "Jake and Sydnie...and a son whose name is NOT Ajax" and it shall be marvelous.
And now with excitement, I leave this little blog of emotional ups and downs to do something more productive...back to packing I go! Ahh, the sweet smell of packing tape and cardboard boxes!