Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Wishing to be somewhere else with a certain someone by my side

I'm in a funk. In fact, I believe this is the longest amount of time i've ever spent in a funk of this magnitude, but here I am and I can't shake myself out of it.

It all started a month ago there about it when my life started changing I suppose. After graduation, I realized I still wasn't in the clear and had to pass my nursing license exam. The entire time I was preparing I kept thinking one thing, "don't let Jake down". I didn't. June 30th, I joined the few, the proud, the RNs! Not quite as rough and tumble as the USMC, but a very close 2nd, lol.

And then it sank in, I have to move. To Jville, alone. And here I am, 3 weeks later, in the same funk I've been in since realizing I'm doing this, as I've done so many other things. Alone.

Don't get me wrong, I signed up for this, I knew it was coming, but having so many things happen while Jake's away has really gotten to me. In the short course of 4 months I've had my 21st birthday, graduated from Nursing school, gone through the pinning ceremony and walking to get my College degree, passed the Nursing exit exam, studied til my brain was going to explode, passed the NCLEX-RN exam, bought furniture, leased an apartment for Jake and I, and now, in one very short week, will be trekking the 14 hour haul to Jake and my new home. And I realize how much my life has changed. I am no longer a care free college student with the world at my fingertips. I have succeeded in stepping into the real world. I've grown up, and Jake wasn't here to see it, and to help me through my metamorphosis of sorts. From his letter's I realize he's grown up a lot too since he left 4 long months ago. His letter's have changed from what all he's gonna buy when he gets back to focusing on jobs, our future, a life for us. And I couldn't be more proud and amazed that we have both accepted our new shoes. He apologizes for leaving me, and for not being there for my melt downs, my bitchiness, my literal jumps of joy and girlish squeals, my tears of pride as I walked across the stage to get my RN pin as they read the dedication to him and God, and most importantly, he's not here to get me through the nights that seem so endless.

Going on 3 weeks of sleeping 2 hours a night. I guess the anticipation of the move, the countdown numbers getting smaller by the day, and fear, and the limbo land of deployment have finally gotten me. Instead of sleep, I clean, pack, repack, organize, write to Jake, and re read the letter's he sent as he could, laugh and cry a lot.

Last night in my packing adventures I stumbled across a pair of Jake's favorite pair of jeans and debated on whether to wash them or not. I put them to my nose to see if they smelled and were in need of washing before being packed and I was overwhelmed by him. Right at the front pocket line smelled just like him b/c he always had his hands in his pockets and I lost it. All the memories of us together flooded my mind, all I could see was him, almost like when someone has an NDE and their life flashes before them, I suppose I could call it a NJE, near Jake experience, b/c in one split second every touch, every look, every laugh and tear came right back like I was in the moment. I could hear our conversations, I remembered our last day together when he dropped me off at the airport and we held each other and cried for 2 hours in his truck saying our "goodbyes" and "i love you's". I remembered it all, and a mixture of ultimate happiness and complete heartbreak took over what was numb.
It was like remembering those moments brought me back to how happy I was then, and how lonely I am now, and it hurt. It still does.

I'm scared for the move and of sleeping alone in an empty bed that's made for two. I'm excited to get there and to finally see all the wives whom I've grown to love and cling to so much and to start a new life. A new chapter, a somewhat more adult one filled with 12 hour shifts, sunbathing and exercising. And, in a few short months, my lonely adult chapter will end and a new, more exciting one will begin. "Jake and I conquer the world". I think I'll turn that one into a book within itself filled with its own chapters of ups and downs. And then, I'll add another book to "Sydnie's series of life" and I shall call it "Jake and Sydnie...and a son whose name is NOT Ajax" and it shall be marvelous.

And now with excitement, I leave this little blog of emotional ups and downs to do something more productive...back to packing I go! Ahh, the sweet smell of packing tape and cardboard boxes!

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Zombies, and Hitler, and Biker Gangs OH MY!

Last night, was probably one of the top rated nights of my life. Why you ask? Because last night proved that strange occurrences are ALWAYS going to happen when I'm around. Ask Annie. And yesterday as a whole proved to be even more exciting than anything that happened on my trip to Miami.

Here is a run down of my day.

Woke up a 2 Am b/c my throat has been sore for the past 2 days and I'm on medicine that wont allow me to rest for more than 2 hours a day. And let me just say...a lot of weird stuff is on in the early hours of the morning. Like what you ask? Let me inform you:
1.)Shop sells vibrators and shower toys for men and women WITH DEMOS! on their infomercials
2.) Bend it Like Beckam is on and when you are THAT actually think it's interesting
3.) 5 am Yoga...i like this and will continue this routine
4.) After 5 am clean your room, find the shirt you were going to wear a month ago underneath the bed, clean your bathroom, and closet, make coffee, and chicken broth for your sore throat that just wont go away, go in your room...and wait for it to be time to pick up the rental car since your little baby is in the shop.

By this time it is breakfast time...a meal i unhealthily skip. Instead I simply pour myself a big glass of acai berry juice and some coffee. I know...I'm a nurse, I should really do better.

1145 I go to pick up my rental car so I can go see Mrs. Annie later that night. Little do I know that small town where I live, which NEVER has bad traffic....had bad traffic. One of the 2, maybe 3, main roads was blocked off b/c someone had a fender bender...the other one that I could take is going the wrong way from my destination and the other, was washed out by the flood...thanks flood.
10 minutes later and I have gone 1.4 miles. I'm supposed to pick up my car at 12, it is not 1155. I finally make it past the traffic and weave through the rest of the slow cars on the road, all the while thankin God for quick reflexes and a small car to drive.

I made it right as they were about to sell give my car to a diff owner. Thank God I have good luck...sometimes. Pay for my new happy car that is speedy and brand spankin new! Pull up into the garage. Close garage door. Am in the kitchen talking to Nicki about the new car and the plans for the night and all of a sudden the house shook and simultaneously a loud "BLAM!" was heard.
My first thoughts...(and this shows how stupid I am when I feel my life in danger):
1.) Was that an earthquake or
2.) OMG it wasnt it was to short! IT'S ARMAGEDDON!....and yes..i told nicki this to which she said, "glad jake's a marine and not you." to which we both laughed.
So we look around to try and find the cause of this, i went to the garage and it looked like that garage door behind the BRAND NEW RENTAL CAR had fallen off it's hinges and onto the ground...i run out like a screaming fool to assess this car and see if i was about to own it. THANK GOD only a little scratch...but as i'm starting to come back to the real world i begin to hear screaming children, terrified of something..but what? i look out the opening that is now b/w the garage door and the wall and my very big suprise...a car...and hear a meak voice of someone say "'am....I think my car just hit your house."

Fact: and those who know me best will applaude me for this one. I came so close to saying "NO!!! did you really? I thought you just had an incredible hulk moment and felt the need to smash something so you took the rage out on my garage door." But I just said "Looks that way dont it?"

So I come out to the front of the house and am in Horror! at what i find.
A white 4 door car is smashed into the garage door on the side where I park, 3 children are around it wailing, an 8 year old, is seated in the drivers seat, stunned, a 5 year old little girl has a scrape on her foot and is screamin bloody murder, and a 3 year old who's on the ground playing with the bricks that used to line the support beam in the center of our 2 car garage, and the mother of these children lookin on in horror and saying "oh my god" repetitively.

Of course the nurse in me takes over and I make sure all the kids are ok. Go and get a bandaid for the little girl who's got the cut. And when I got up, I saw Nicki walking out. She looks at the mom and goes..."umm..what happened?"

The woman goes..."I'm not really sure. I went inside to get something and I left the kids in the car and next thing i know they are rollin down the hill in my car. The 3 year old jumped out while it was moving, as did the 5 year old, and the 8 year old stayed in the car."

Nicki then asked what any smart woman would, "well, you do have insurance right?"
And of course her answer was, "It just ran out yesterday." And Nicki nearly flipped her lid. I went inside to call my father in law to come down and control his mother. Then the police, then a garage door man to come save the rental car that i really didnt want to own.

The police get to the house and they poor guy had never seen this before and said it'd take a while to get the report written up. The garage door man came, a fat man w/ a pot belly who obviously had never heard of deodorant. Thankfully he got my car and Nicki's out of the garage. And our garage is gonna cost a cool 6 or 7 grand to fix....great.

So, I get ready for the rest of my night as planned b/c Annie and I were goin swing dancing! Well, I got to Memphis and Annie took me to this little restaurant on Main Street. As we are driving down main st to get a parking spot we see these 2 girls dressed messes in all honesty. One was dressed up like the wicked witch of the west, green face and all, and one was dressed in a white micro mini dress, white hose, white shoes that were too big and her face was covered with bandages..our response to this?

"Wow, emo kids are getting way to into being different these days." Shaking our heads in disapproval, I think we both said a little prayer that God would magically change their wardrobe lol.

We parked and went to the little diner place and we were eating nachos in the diner when we started seeing a lot more strange people dressed up and made up like...well...dead ppl. We both comment on how strange this was...and me, not being from memphis, thought maybe this was just the radical city emo teenage kids of today..roaming the streets and protesting conformity, but even Annie, a native Memphonian, was just as perplexed as I was by this grotesque sight.

Suddenly, the occasional dead looking person became a parade. Main street was filled with the walkin dead! What the heck is going on! We both went outside. Annie, who is smarter than I, had a camera and snapped some shots of the gruesome sight. And when we got back in the restaurant we asked the waiter what the heck that was all about.

Apparently, every last Friday in May, people dress up like Zombies and parade about downtown. It is called, go figure, Zombie day. And this man had heard of it, but never in 30 years since he'd been living in Memphis had he ever seen it. Annie looked at me and goes, "this would happen the day you come to Memphis." All i could do was shrug my shoulders and say, "I tried to tell ya. Strange things follow me." Now, she believes me lol.

The parade came and went...i couldnt eat anymore food after seeing that disgusting sight. Annie couldnt either. So to the Ramba Room we went and it was a blast! I must take the time to add here, that there was a little man who resembled Hitler who kept pestering Annie and I throughout the night. But it's ok. We avoided him like the plague. I'm teaching her my creeper avoiding ways lol.

After the Ramba Room, we drove around downtown Memphis blasting rap music, dancing like fools, and yelling "OW OW!!!" at the gang of Black Bikers riding into downtown. All in all, it was an eventful night, filled with strange occurrences that I am accustomed to. I cant wait to do it again!

Monday, May 24, 2010

Airports against obesity. The underground conspiracy.

Yesterday was the first time in a long time that i sprinted for 10 straight minutes. Why? It's simple really, airports are against obesity and are fighting it head on, but are not going public about. Which is probably a good thing, b/c if people knew this was done to them on purpose there would be an uprising i'm certain.

I know this seems entirely wrong of me to make such an accusation towards the good air people of our nation...but they leave me no other choice but to reach that conclusion. I mean, why else would they land my incoming flight at gate A1, and have me boarding my flight home to Memphis out of E26 and giving me only 10 minutes to get there?

I'm convinced that this is the case.
The flight out of Ft. Lauderdale to Charlotte went smooth, but I failed to realize that 1: my seat was at the back of the plane, 2: there were 3 ppl in wheelchairs on the flight, and 3: I had the window seat, so I couldnt ram my way down the isle if i needed to rush out...which as it turns out. I would need to.

Well, we landed in Char at 12 on the dot. Not a problem, I said to myself, my plane doesnt take off til 1. What I didnt realize until I was looking at my ticket, the plane started boarding at 1230. Still not a problem, I thought to myself, US Air always puts coming and going flights on the same Gate. Wrong again I realized as the flight attendant welcomed us to the airport and said over the loud speaker,"To our guests that will be returning to this flight, we will be stationing in gate A1." I looked at my ticket remembering that I didnt see an A on my ticket, and realized that it said my flight took off from gate E26...on the complete opposite side of the airport.

Panic set in.

I tapped my feet nervously as I watched the flight attendant wheel out the chair bound passengers one at a time. This took 10 minutes. Then the line out wasnt moving fast enough, and the fat man obstructing the path b/w me and the isle was having a battle his suitcase to get it down from the over head compartment. He finally got out of the way and starting meandering his way down the isle like time was standing still, while i'm bobbing behind him near stroke status trying to figure out how i can jump the seats to pass him. He finally gets to the point where i can pass him in the connecting thingy that connects airport to plane and my carry on bag sacked him right in the gut. But i didnt look back.

As soon as i got out of the gate i looked panic stricken towards my left and say "Gates CDE" go off i dashed. Looking at my watch, it is now i notice, 12:20. I have 10 minutes to sprint my way across the airport and hop on my flight. And the prayer began, "God, please forgive me for what I am about to do. I am probably going to run over countless old women and children and not look back to see if they are alright. I know this is completely unchristianly of me, but I gotta make this flight give me wings and dont let me get sued. Amen"

I weaved in and out of people traffic. Dodging children of all ages, jumping over luggage (in a skirt), avoiding the people movers, which were all going the opposite of me. I reached one of the things that you arent supposed to walk on but everyone does anyway. I got stopped by traffic, specifically a 90 year old woman, who was confused. This nice young woman was explaining to her that the left side is for ppl in a hurry and the right is for the more leisurely people. She started to move, she got about half way over to the right and i darted past her and hopped over her bag...and w/o meaning to bump her with my luggage. I heard her start to shout out slanderous things towards me...and I sincerely wanted to apologize for running over her like that, it's really not like me...but I'd already asked i pushed on. I got off the ramp...and broke out into a sprint when i realized my watch now read 12:27. DEAR GOD! I GOTTA MAKE THIS FLIGHT!

Only on concourse C, I booked it. D went like a flash and I finally found E. Then I see that E is split up into 3 parts, b/c it of course is the longest of all the Gates. I looked at my watch as i continued to run around the airport, 12:30...boarding had started. I might make it...but i'm takin no prisoners anymore, if my bag nailed someone in the head if they got in my way. Well that is just to bad this time. Time is running out and I'm running out of breath when low and behold, I could see gate E26, about 100 yards away. I got my ticket out and just made to check in just as they were starting to take the standbys!
The guy at the desk looked at me, red faced and out of breath and goes, you ok honey? look like you ran a marathon (had i not been so tired i would've let him have it. But my inner smartass was exhausted.). All I could do was look at him and say, "Your airline must really have it out for obese and out of shape ppl and I'd appreciate it if they took me off their list of ppl to shape up. Thanks."

I grabbed my ticket and went and took my seat on the plane. Well, acutally the guy infront of me took the isle seat where I was gonna sit. I'm sure I'm profiling...but when i looked up at him...all the tan that Florida had bestowed on my face drained away. A middle eastern man, rose up from his seat and allowed me to take mine...Oh God, is this punishment for running over that old woman and not going back to apologize? You're gonna blow me up mid air?! Were a few of my thoughts when my eyes met this mans.

The flight took off...guess the little Taliban man was gonna wait til we were in the air to kill all the little infadels like me on the flight. God help! I was shaking I was so scared. I couldnt stop spyin on this man, trying to figure out what he was reading. It was a little leatherbound book, palm sized...where had i seen this? and what was it? Then i remembered, 'IT'S THE KARAHN (or however it's spelled. Their bible of sorts)! The guy in the movie i stupidly watched the night before was reading that right before he went to set off the bomb in the baggage compartment of the plane! Oh God this is it! was all i could think. I'm sure this poor man had to have seen me and my petrified stare that I couldnt stop giving him.

45 min in hell and the plane finally landed. The little taliban looking man got up, got his bag, and walked off. THANK GOD! I DIDNT DIE!!! Yes...sometimes I can be just a tad overdramatic...but these were my real thoughts and I felt the need to share them lol. I got off the plane and thanked my lucky stars I'd made it to memphis and am now home safe! Free to live another overdramatic day. Filled with fun and adventure. And hopefully, less creepers than I've had to deal with in Miami over the past 2 weeks lol

Friday, May 7, 2010

I miss my Jacob

Today was pinning. Something that for nursing students across the country is a monumental mile marker in their nursing career. It is better than the cap and gown ceremony that many college grads go through. And it was my breakin point.

For the past week, I have been a mountain of stress. With finals this week, tornadoes and historically catastrophic floods, and the always present worry about Jake, I had nearly lost my marbles. My family stopped speaking to me, stating I was putting way to much pressure on myself and not to worry. I ignored the outside world, with the exception of my fellow wives, and kept my nose in my books all of monday and tuesday.

Wednesday, the day of the nurse exit exam, which lets the NCLEX license exam makers know that I really am competent, and I have never been so nervous. This test is one that in the past I had never passed. I've come w/n 2 points of passing before, but never completed it. The last question turning back now. A big giant pass or fail was fixin to come my way...and that pass or fail determined when I could take my exam. And how soon I could move to Jacksonville.
I said a prayer and wished my heart rate would become less than 140 and clicked the button on the screen. "submitting" stayed on the screen for what seemed like an eternity...and what happened??? I passed the darn thing on the first try!
First thing I did when I left the classroom? Dialed Jacob...only to get the sad voicemail reminder. He's gone. He's not here to share this moment with me. To laugh and say "I told you you'd pass it. You're so damn smart how couldnt you?" like he always does after every test. But I didnt let it get me down.

Then came the final, which I didnt feel prepared for b/c i spent all my time the previous 2 days preparing for the exit exam. Well...I got out of the exam around 10...and grades wouldnt be posted til 12. So I went shopping for a graduation dress...not really knowing if I was really going to graduate. 12 came. Grades were up. And there I sat, again fearful that I had failed Jake and our future that I am working so hard to begin for us. But I finally got brave, and pressed "grades" and what did i find? A passing score! I did it! Step one of my dream complete!
Now comes the fun part....NCLEX license exam. But after the test, I didnt call Jake. I learned my lesson. Instead, I came home and did absolutely NOTHING! for the first time in 2 years, i didnt have to study and by gosh I was gonna celebrate by buying a book that had nothing to do w/ nursing! lol...and i did too!

Well, today came, and I was expecting to be a little sad, actually, more thoughtful than sad. I figured a few tears would roll b/c I dedicated my pin to Jake. We each got a paragraph to say who we dedicated our pin to. Mine went a little something like this:
"I would like to dedicate my pin to my wonderful husband, Jacob. He has been my rock through the roughest parts of my life. He is my best friend. My soulmate, and the one who kicked my butt in gear when i was being overdramatic. He couldnt be here to support me today b/c he is protecting me and you by fighting in Afghanistan, but I know he's here in spirit and is so proud of me and the life we're going to begin together."
And yeah, I expected to cry a little when they read it but i didnt expect to cry walking in the door. But instead of the graduation march...they played a song by complete mistake, Pacabel's Canon in D. The song I walked down the isle to Jake to at our wedding. And it hit me.

He's missing this. He's not here. He's not cheering me on in his dress blues in the audience. My biggest fan, my motivation, was thousands of miles away doing God knows what and if he's safe. Jake was there for me the entire road up until the last 2 months of the program, he pushed me. He laughed at me until I laughed at myself for thinking every test was the be all and end all of my future career. He is what pushed me through. He pointed me to God, knowingly or not, when I forgot that he was right there with me, guiding my steps. I kept daydreaming throughout the ceremony that as I walked up to get my pin, Jake would pop out from the curtain and I could run and jump into his arms again. But it was just a dream.

I have spent all day in a funk of sorts. An overwhelming mixture of happy to have achieved my goal...partially, and sad, b/c the person I wanted there most, wasnt there. And then I thought about what Jake would say if he saw me like this. This melting pot of emotions...that all his southern charm would take my face in his hands...kiss me on the forhead and tell me that if i couldnt do anything about it, not to let it get me down. "Patience my child. Patience." Those are the words he would say in a sarcastic voice. Then he'd smile his dumb "but you love me" smile. And the world would be ok again.

Maybe God intended Pacabel's Canon in D to be played today. Maybe it was his way of saying, "Jake's not here in a physical form. But he's right there with you, holdin your hand through all your milestones that you're passing while he's away. Especially this one. He's proud of ya kid."
God doesnt make mistakes, so there had to have been a reason a weddin song was played at a graduation ceremony. And that was it for me.

It's only been 2 months, and so much has happened and I wish Jake had been here. To rescue me at times, to remind me that it's not a hopeless cause. And through all of this...I've stood strong on my own. This deployment sucks, but it makes you dig down and find strength you never thought you had. And I'm finding a lot of it, and a lot of who I really am as a person. And I must say, I like what I see, and Jake will too.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

To salespeople everywhere...BACK UP OFF!

Has anyone else besides me ever been bombarded by sales people even though it is more than obvious that you are in the middle of something VERY, oh idk...STUDYING!

Well if not, let me inform you of the joy you are missing.

Today while i was studying at my all time favorite spot, Starbucks, i was confronted by an old woman in spandex, head to toe with stripper blue eye shadow.

First of all, that image alone scared the everliving out of me. Secondly, why the heck was i being harassed by this strange old woman..usually it's creepy men/guys.

Then she leans over just far enough for her nasty old woman saggy cleavage to be exposed, which made me nearly lose my coffee and then...she uttered the oh so common words of a saleswoman, "excuse me dear [as she sits down beside me] but you have gorgeous skin. What kind of makeup do you use?"

Now let us all keep in mind...these past 2 weeks i've done good to walk out my door w/ something besides my pjs on. Makeup is not my priority. And on this day, i had jakes shorts on, flip flops, a peach colored tshirt that i found on the floor in the clean pile of laundry that i have yet to put away, my hair pulled back in a bun, bangs pinned back, and absolutely NO MAKEUP ON!!! So i politely replied to this freakish old woman, "ma'am, i'm sorry i dont wear a lot of make up. In fact, i'm not wearing any now."

She gasped with over-exaggerated excitement and proceeded in her saleswoman ways, "Honey i couldnt even tell! Well you must use some sort of face wash?" I informed her i am not that into my face's appearance and looked back down at my book, trying to give this woman a hint...GO AWAY! But saleswomen are idiotic and just dont get the subtle hints and so she probed into what regiment to which i informed her...shampoo running down my face was the only thing besides water i use...and then it started...she looks at me and smiled and goes "Well, have you ever considered Mary Kay Make up and skin care products?"

I smiled and said no and i wasnt about to start paying for any overpriced makeup or special soaps that simply dry out my skin. If that wasnt a blunt enough way of telling her i was not receptive to her idk what else i could've done. but she continued and i began to get more and more frustrated.
"Well, I'm having a little get together and would love for you to come to play with all the colors and palates we have. I can give you directions, we can do make overs..." Her ramblings seemed to go on forever and finally i exploded...this is awful...but here is what went down. Mid sentence i stopped her and said,

"Ma'am...i have no clue who you are. I have no desire to know you further. But, can you not see i was in the middle of studying? Have you no idea that this if FINALS week for college students? I said no to all your offers 10 minutes ago and you should've taken my no to mean just that. I was not playing hard to get. On top of that, I am a nursing student, that makes me germaphobic, so what in the world makes you believe that I would ever consider putting make up on my face after its been shared w/ tons of random strangers? Bacteria already loves to live in make up...why would i put other peoples bacteria which grows naturally on my face? You and your make up selling, harassing friends are a sick individuals in my opinion and i would greatly appreciate it if you would please allow me to continue studying for something that will impact my future, and not just my appearance."

She looked at me w/ shock and an open mouth. and perhaps it was a little over the top..but give me some many warnings did i give this woman? Well, she simply got up, sad thank you for my time and left...and as she left one of my friends who happens to work at Starbucks came up to me and patted me on the back and said "Way to tell her Syd, now maybe she'll leave me alone."

So there's a hint sales people...when we say's not b/c we're indecisive young women who dont know what they want. We say no b/c damn it we dont want you to bug us anymore!

So read the title salesmen and women everywhere and do us all a favor and BACK UP OFF!!!

Friday, April 23, 2010

Dear ruin lives

I dont know if anyone else EVER pays attention to their local weather man, but for the past few days i have been bombarded by the weather. It's everywhere! They interrupt my regularly scheduled programming to show me a weather radar map that supposedly shows "the storm of the century" and what is on that radar???? i just stupid or isnt green rain?

Our local weather man is so absolutely moronic that I simply to tune in to laugh at his predictions, which are about as accurate as the horoscopes in People magazine. He is known as guessing Gary by everyone and he's not even got a degree in meteorology! How can you possibly get a position as a weatherman and not have a degree in decifering the weather pattern? All i can say is that for the past 2 days, keep in mind this storm wasnt supposed to hit until tomorrow, the town has been in a panic canceling programs, the grocery stores are packed w/ people buying eggs, bread, and water like it's the new millennium or something. I suppose it's b/c we've been hit by so many tornadoes that people get spooked when the word storm comes but i think it's a little foolish...who am i to judge.

But i will give these people credit...whenever a natural disaster arises...they're the people that will be prepared. I told one of the girls who was freaking out today during clinicals i was going to be smart about all this and when the sirens go off i'm driving to Walmart that way if it hits, i'm where the food is and i can eat it all for free. That's what people really ought to do...exploit Walmart for all it's got...or even Sam's club...they have industrial size boxes of goodies...which will probably last me longer to be honest.

But back to the matter at hand. Why does Guessing Gary ruin lives? Yesterday he called for clear skies, no rain, so I went for a walk. Halfway through my 5 mile walk through the countryside where there is no shelter from the rain, w/o an umbrella and no where near my car what happens? it rains. And i flash whoever happens to drive by b/c i'm wearing a white tshirt of Jakes w/ a hot pink sportsbra underneath it. Thanks for makin me look like a tramp there Gary. And today, i had plans to go out tonight to celebrate no more clinicals! And of course...the girls canceled on me b/c they were afraid Armageddon was happening tonight.
So thank you Gary, for ruining my night. You tend to do this often and I am getting tired of all this hullabaloo you feel the need to cause in order to make yourself look important. You arent God, you dont have a degree in meteorology, therefor you are incompetent when it comes to reading a simple weather radar. My 4 year old ADD nephew who has the attention span of a gnat could do a better job of telling me what my day is going to be like. So do us all a favor and relinquish your title to a more capable weatherperson. Thank you and goodnight. Jerk

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Blogging vs. chocolate

A friend said i should try this to get to sleep so in order to help myself i sit, not sleeping, but typing. Hopefully, I will be able to type away all my fears, worries, etc. Here it goes.

I have tried every other means of stress relief, running until i can't bend my knees, mass quantities of chocolate, crying, punching pillows, today I even grabbed my passport in an enraged and highly elevated mood determined to get a hold of a bazooka somehow and travel to Afghanistan on a rescue mission to rescue marines. B/c I'm sure that would've worked out well.

Luckily, class called me back to sanity and instead of driving towards an airport, I drove towards school. The ultimate taker upper of my life.

It's been nearly 2 months since my husband left, and with each passing day I become more and more numb. Is it possible to stop caring about everything else except what is most important in my life? Jacob. Everyday I wake up, kiss the piece of cardboard that apparently constitutes as a postcard over there in Afghanamanistan, as he calls it, and say "goodmorning love. Be safe. Miss you". A single tear falls from my eye w/o fail everyday and it's come to the point I dont realize I cry anymore. I feel bad b/c if Jacob saw me like this, he'd tell me not to cry. And I tell myself not to daily. What good does it do besides cause a reddened face, raccoon eyes, and dehydration? None of these sound at all pleasant, so why do it? However i simply cant stop. It comes as easily as breathing these days. Also...the extreme urge to beat the crap out of couples that indulge in PDA has become embedded in my daily roller coaster of emotions.
How can I become so emotionally haywire? I am the spitfire! The social butterfly as many of my friends call me, I was pleasant and perky! Not a people hating, social recluse that's only social life is school and on Facebook. However, I have to say that w/o Facebook I never would have met the girls with whom I have bonded so strongly, a few I dare to call soul mates, my fellow Marine wives. We keep each other sane when the last straw if finally placed on our backs.

And I must say, it's true that God picked out the strongest women and put them w/ marines. I havent met one yet that I dont look at and say "Wow you're strong." Idk how we put up w/ what we do.

For instance, right now I'm juggling, graduating RN school, passing the licensure exam, moving to NC...14 hours away from my home where I know no one, getting a job, making a living and preparing a life for Jake and I when he comes home. Not to mention, learning to deal with the inevitable PTSD that he will suffer from. As a nurse, almost, I've studied how to help clients that I'm not emotionally attached to learn to deal with this horrible disorder, but how do I deal w/ watching my husbands trigger finger twitch in his sleep? or watch his eyes glass over when he hears an alarm go off and remember the sound of a bomb, what will 4th of July be like? What will loud Harley's rumbling remind him of? And how am I going to keep the tears that ebb a constant flow from my eyes away and keep him from seeing how terrified I am for him?

Chocolate doesnt alleviate this constant worry, nor does blogging, singing in the shower is a comfort, and Prayer has become my number one means of communication. And that helps. I know deep down that God is watching over my husband and has a future planned for us. I just have to juggle these stressors a few more months alone and soon, and hopefully very soon, i will have Jacob by my side and we'll tackle the world together.

Goodnight all! Last day of clinicals in the AM!!! WOOT! one step closer to one less hurdle to jump over :)
God bless you all!