Friday, May 7, 2010

I miss my Jacob

Today was pinning. Something that for nursing students across the country is a monumental mile marker in their nursing career. It is better than the cap and gown ceremony that many college grads go through. And it was my breakin point.

For the past week, I have been a mountain of stress. With finals this week, tornadoes and historically catastrophic floods, and the always present worry about Jake, I had nearly lost my marbles. My family stopped speaking to me, stating I was putting way to much pressure on myself and not to worry. I ignored the outside world, with the exception of my fellow wives, and kept my nose in my books all of monday and tuesday.

Wednesday, the day of the nurse exit exam, which lets the NCLEX license exam makers know that I really am competent, and I have never been so nervous. This test is one that in the past I had never passed. I've come w/n 2 points of passing before, but never completed it. The last question came...no turning back now. A big giant pass or fail was fixin to come my way...and that pass or fail determined when I could take my exam. And how soon I could move to Jacksonville.
I said a prayer and wished my heart rate would become less than 140 and clicked the button on the screen. "submitting" stayed on the screen for what seemed like an eternity...and what happened??? I passed the darn thing on the first try!
First thing I did when I left the classroom? Dialed Jacob...only to get the sad voicemail reminder. He's gone. He's not here to share this moment with me. To laugh and say "I told you you'd pass it. You're so damn smart how couldnt you?" like he always does after every test. But I didnt let it get me down.

Then came the final, which I didnt feel prepared for b/c i spent all my time the previous 2 days preparing for the exit exam. Well...I got out of the exam around 10...and grades wouldnt be posted til 12. So I went shopping for a graduation dress...not really knowing if I was really going to graduate. 12 came. Grades were up. And there I sat, again fearful that I had failed Jake and our future that I am working so hard to begin for us. But I finally got brave, and pressed "grades" and what did i find? A passing score! I did it! Step one of my dream complete!
Now comes the fun part....NCLEX license exam. But after the test, I didnt call Jake. I learned my lesson. Instead, I came home and did absolutely NOTHING! for the first time in 2 years, i didnt have to study and by gosh I was gonna celebrate by buying a book that had nothing to do w/ nursing! lol...and i did too!

Well, today came, and I was expecting to be a little sad, actually, more thoughtful than sad. I figured a few tears would roll b/c I dedicated my pin to Jake. We each got a paragraph to say who we dedicated our pin to. Mine went a little something like this:
"I would like to dedicate my pin to my wonderful husband, Jacob. He has been my rock through the roughest parts of my life. He is my best friend. My soulmate, and the one who kicked my butt in gear when i was being overdramatic. He couldnt be here to support me today b/c he is protecting me and you by fighting in Afghanistan, but I know he's here in spirit and is so proud of me and the life we're going to begin together."
And yeah, I expected to cry a little when they read it but i didnt expect to cry walking in the door. But instead of the graduation march...they played a song by complete mistake, Pacabel's Canon in D. The song I walked down the isle to Jake to at our wedding. And it hit me.

He's missing this. He's not here. He's not cheering me on in his dress blues in the audience. My biggest fan, my motivation, was thousands of miles away doing God knows what and if he's safe. Jake was there for me the entire road up until the last 2 months of the program, he pushed me. He laughed at me until I laughed at myself for thinking every test was the be all and end all of my future career. He is what pushed me through. He pointed me to God, knowingly or not, when I forgot that he was right there with me, guiding my steps. I kept daydreaming throughout the ceremony that as I walked up to get my pin, Jake would pop out from the curtain and I could run and jump into his arms again. But it was just a dream.

I have spent all day in a funk of sorts. An overwhelming mixture of happy to have achieved my goal...partially, and sad, b/c the person I wanted there most, wasnt there. And then I thought about what Jake would say if he saw me like this. This melting pot of emotions...that boy..in all his southern charm would take my face in his hands...kiss me on the forhead and tell me that if i couldnt do anything about it, not to let it get me down. "Patience my child. Patience." Those are the words he would say in a sarcastic voice. Then he'd smile his dumb "but you love me" smile. And the world would be ok again.

Maybe God intended Pacabel's Canon in D to be played today. Maybe it was his way of saying, "Jake's not here in a physical form. But he's right there with you, holdin your hand through all your milestones that you're passing while he's away. Especially this one. He's proud of ya kid."
God doesnt make mistakes, so there had to have been a reason a weddin song was played at a graduation ceremony. And that was it for me.

It's only been 2 months, and so much has happened and I wish Jake had been here. To rescue me at times, to remind me that it's not a hopeless cause. And through all of this...I've stood strong on my own. This deployment sucks, but it makes you dig down and find strength you never thought you had. And I'm finding a lot of it, and a lot of who I really am as a person. And I must say, I like what I see, and Jake will too.

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