Airports against obesity. The underground conspiracy.

Yesterday was the first time in a long time that i sprinted for 10 straight minutes. Why? It's simple really, airports are against obesity and are fighting it head on, but are not going public about. Which is probably a good thing, b/c if people knew this was done to them on purpose there would be an uprising i'm certain.

I know this seems entirely wrong of me to make such an accusation towards the good air people of our nation...but they leave me no other choice but to reach that conclusion. I mean, why else would they land my incoming flight at gate A1, and have me boarding my flight home to Memphis out of E26 and giving me only 10 minutes to get there?

I'm convinced that this is the case.

The flight out of Ft. Lauderdale to Charlotte went smooth, but I failed to realize that 1: my seat was at the back of the plane, 2: there were 3 ppl in wheelchairs on the flight, and 3: I had the window seat, so I couldnt ram my way down the isle if i needed to rush out...which as it turns out. I would need to.

Well, we landed in Char at 12 on the dot. Not a problem, I said to myself, my plane doesnt take off til 1. What I didnt realize until I was looking at my ticket, the plane started boarding at 1230. Still not a problem, I thought to myself, US Air always puts coming and going flights on the same Gate. Wrong again I realized as the flight attendant welcomed us to the airport and said over the loud speaker,"To our guests that will be returning to this flight, we will be stationing in gate A1." I looked at my ticket remembering that I didnt see an A on my ticket, and realized that it said my flight took off from gate E26...on the complete opposite side of the airport.

Panic set in.

I tapped my feet nervously as I watched the flight attendant wheel out the chair bound passengers one at a time. This took 10 minutes. Then the line out wasnt moving fast enough, and the fat man obstructing the path b/w me and the isle was having a battle his suitcase to get it down from the over head compartment. He finally got out of the way and starting meandering his way down the isle like time was standing still, while i'm bobbing behind him near stroke status trying to figure out how i can jump the seats to pass him. He finally gets to the point where i can pass him in the connecting thingy that connects airport to plane and my carry on bag sacked him right in the gut. But i didnt look back.

As soon as i got out of the gate i looked panic stricken towards my left and say "Gates CDE" go straight...so off i dashed. Looking at my watch, it is now i notice, 12:20. I have 10 minutes to sprint my way across the airport and hop on my flight. And the prayer began, "God, please forgive me for what I am about to do. I am probably going to run over countless old women and children and not look back to see if they are alright. I know this is completely unchristianly of me, but I gotta make this flight God...so give me wings and dont let me get sued. Amen"

I weaved in and out of people traffic. Dodging children of all ages, jumping over luggage (in a skirt), avoiding the people movers, which were all going the opposite of me. I reached one of the things that you arent supposed to walk on but everyone does anyway. I got stopped by traffic, specifically a 90 year old woman, who was confused. This nice young woman was explaining to her that the left side is for ppl in a hurry and the right is for the more leisurely people. She started to move, she got about half way over to the right and i darted past her and hopped over her bag...and w/o meaning to bump her with my luggage. I heard her start to shout out slanderous things towards me...and I sincerely wanted to apologize for running over her like that, it's really not like me...but I'd already asked forgiveness...so i pushed on. I got off the ramp...and broke out into a sprint when i realized my watch now read 12:27. DEAR GOD! I GOTTA MAKE THIS FLIGHT!

Only on concourse C, I booked it. D went like a flash and I finally found E. Then I see that E is split up into 3 parts, b/c it of course is the longest of all the Gates. I looked at my watch as i continued to run around the airport, 12:30...boarding had started. I might make it...but i'm takin no prisoners anymore, if my bag nailed someone in the head if they got in my way. Well that is just to bad this time. Time is running out and I'm running out of breath when low and behold, I could see gate E26, about 100 yards away. I got my ticket out and just made to check in just as they were starting to take the standbys!

The guy at the desk looked at me, red faced and out of breath and goes, you ok honey? look like you ran a marathon (had i not been so tired i would've let him have it. But my inner smartass was exhausted.). All I could do was look at him and say, "Your airline must really have it out for obese and out of shape ppl and I'd appreciate it if they took me off their list of ppl to shape up. Thanks."

I grabbed my ticket and went and took my seat on the plane. Well, acutally the guy infront of me took the isle seat where I was gonna sit. I'm sure I'm profiling...but when i looked up at him...all the tan that Florida had bestowed on my face drained away. A middle eastern man, rose up from his seat and allowed me to take mine...Oh God, is this punishment for running over that old woman and not going back to apologize? You're gonna blow me up mid air?! Were a few of my thoughts when my eyes met this mans.

The flight took off...guess the little Taliban man was gonna wait til we were in the air to kill all the little infadels like me on the flight. God help! I was shaking I was so scared. I couldnt stop spyin on this man, trying to figure out what he was reading. It was a little leatherbound book, palm sized...where had i seen this? and what was it? Then i remembered, 'IT'S THE KARAHN (or however it's spelled. Their bible of sorts)! The guy in the movie i stupidly watched the night before was reading that right before he went to set off the bomb in the baggage compartment of the plane! Oh God this is it! was all i could think. I'm sure this poor man had to have seen me and my petrified stare that I couldnt stop giving him.

45 min in hell and the plane finally landed. The little taliban looking man got up, got his bag, and walked off. THANK GOD! I DIDNT DIE!!! Yes...sometimes I can be just a tad overdramatic...but these were my real thoughts and I felt the need to share them lol. I got off the plane and thanked my lucky stars I'd made it to memphis and am now home safe! Free to live another overdramatic day. Filled with fun and adventure. And hopefully, less creepers than I've had to deal with in Miami over the past 2 weeks lol